Some Philosophical Chuck Norris Facts

(The original)

Chuck Norris can imagine a chiliagon.

Chuck Norris has intellectual intuition.

Chuck Norris threatened Alexandre Kojeve into conceding that history wasn’t over until Chuck Norris said it was.

After watching one episode of Walker: Texas Ranger, Nietzsche changed his concept of “the will to power” to simply “Chuck Norris”. A lost revision to Thus Spoke Zarathustra has the progression camel, lion, baby, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can get outside of language and the text.

Hobbes had to rewrite Leviathan after Chuck Norris roundhoused him until he promised to remove the line “No man is so strong that he cannot be killed by the cunning of one man or the strength of many in alliance”. The new edition had an image of Chuck Norris on the cover.

Everything you know only by description, Chuck Norris knows by acquaintance.

Chuck Norris can stand in the same river twice.

Chuck Norris overtook Zeno’s tortoise no problem, then roundhoused the turtle into Zeno’s face.

Chuck Norris can stop an infinite regress with his beard.

Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite abandoned negative theology because he just couldn’t bring himself to write that the Godhead “is not Chuck Norris.”

After Heidegger met Chuck Norris, he agreed that Chuck isn’t thrown: he throws.

When Levinas published Totality and Infinity, Chuck Norris sued him for infringing on the names of his left and right fists. He sued Foucault for Discipline and Punish cuz that’s what Chuck’s legs are called.

It is a little known fact that Lacan occasionally used “Chuck Norris” as a synonym for the Name of the Father.

When Chuck Norris tells a meta-narrative, everyone believes it.

Chuck Norris can conceive of bare matter without any properties.

When Nietzsche’s demon told Chuck Norris he would live his life over again and again, innumerably, he roundhoused the demon in the face for interrupting him in his loneliest loneliness. The demon called off the eternal recurrence to avoid eternal roundhousing.

Chuck Norris can dispute about taste, and win.

When Parmenides said “ex nihilo nihil fit”, Chuck Norris roundhoused him out of nowhere. Parmenides took it back.

Empedocles developed his concept of atoms “swerving” after he saw Chuck Norris on a motorcycle.

Solon attended Chuck Norris’ baptism, and agreed baby Chuck had achieved eudaimonia at the age of three weeks.

Deleuze and Guatarri actually got the inspiration for the “body without organs” not from Artaud but from watching Chuck Norris kick the crap out General Trau in Missing in Action.

Leibniz recanted his arguments for ours being the “best of all possible worlds” after he learned Chuck Norris wasn’t going to be in Delta Force 3.

30 thoughts on “Some Philosophical Chuck Norris Facts”

  1. Thanks! I’ve linked you. These are wonderful. Anselm’s proof for the existence of Chuck Norris: a man more interesting than the most interesting man in the world.

  2. It is a little known fact that shortly before his death Plato revised the Euthyphro to read: “Is Chuck Norris loved by the gods because he is Chuck Norris, or is he Chuck Norris because he is loved by the gods?” Chuck Norris then snapped his neck for even contemplating the latter option.

  3. David Lewis didn’t believe a word of “On the Plurality of Worlds”. But he believed Chuck Norris when he said “Write it or else…”.

    Lewis also never wanted to grow a beard.

  4. Here’s a few:

    The world is the totality of all Chuck Norris facts.

    Chuck Norris can speak wherof one cannot speak.

    Chuck Norris solved the decision problem for arithmetic. With his fists.

    When Chuck Norris roundhouses philosophical zombies, they feel it.

  5. When Roy Sorenson told Chuck that no one could know whether coffee was food Chuck told him straight IT WAS.

  6. A runaway train is about to kill 5 people who’re on the track. Do you pull the switch, and send it onto the track occupied only by Chuck Norris? No. That’d kill everyone on the train.

    Philosophers agree that it’s permissible for Chuck Norris to throw bystanders off footbridges as he sees fit.

    That Chuck Norris could kick your ass is an analytic truth.

    When Nietzsche declared that God was dead, he only meant that Chuck Norris wasn’t yet alive.

  7. A few more that I tweeted:

    Chuck Norris can tell the difference between indiscernibles.

    Chuck Norris can have a private language.

    Chuck Norris can make ‘Water is H2O’ contingent, even after we have discovered it is true.

    Chuck Norris knows exactly how many grains make up a ‘pile’ of sand.

    Chuck Norris can tell if he’s a brain in a vat or not. He’s not, he’s Chuck Norris!

    Unfortunately, I was not able to start a trend with #chucknorrisphilosophy !

  8. Here is an extension of Michael Johnson’s comment: When Chuck Norris roundhouses philosophical zombies, they know what it is like to be a zombie.

  9. The physical world imitates the world of the forms but the world of the forms imitates Chuck Norris.

  10. Chuck Norris is something nothing greater than can be imagined.

    People who believe the finite can not prove the infinite have never been round house kicked by Chuck Norris.

    Fitch’s Paradox of Knowability can be resolved by reference to the principle that P implies that Chuck Norris knows that P and has so far allowed P to continue to exist.

    When Bentham said that: “Nature has put man under the governance of two sovereign masters: pain and pleasure.” Bentham was actually using his nicknames for Chuck Norris’s right and left fists.

  11. Chuck Norris carved a round square copula when he roundhouse kicked a tree.

    Knowledge is a belief held by Chuck Norris.

    The prudent man is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris has free will.

    Descartes can be sure of Chuck Norris’ existence.

    Objects have inherent properties because Chuck Norris holds them in his mind.

    Chuck Norris kept dividing by one half and reached zero.

    When Chuck Norris says “Snow is White” it is a completely separate proposition in and of itself.

  12. The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of Chuck Norris’ struggles, or better, victories

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